A make up sample that unravelled my insecurities

I remember vividly staring at a picture of a girl in a magazine.

As a teenage girl, obsessing over images in a teen magazine is pretty normal behaviour but this particular picture caught my imagination like no other. 

It was a close up shot of a girl splashing water on her face, laughing and gazing at the camera as she did so.  Her youth and radiance dazzled like the sparkling water captured in the image.  I pored over every detail of the picture – her pale white skin, her clear blue eyes, her chestnut hair – but what I liked most about her face was her lips. 

Pale pink, glossy, full lips. 

I was filled with envy and longing.  I wanted lips like hers with the exact shade of glossy pink.  It was a Boots advert and I don’t remember what it was advertising (a face wash I guessing) but the desire for pale pink lips embedded itself into my brain like some insidious worm.   

I was an insecure Asian girl (and still am) and it didn’t compute back then that pale pink lips were outside of my colour wheel.  I identified with white girls just as easily as Asian girls even though my teen mags never seemed to reflect the kind of diversity they had in their readership.  Well, maybe, when they hired the models with the short haircuts who were branded ‘tomboys’ for their style to contrast nicely against the whimsical dream-like waifs with long hair and floaty dresses. 

Against my ‘olive’ skin, my mouth needed a shot of red to stand out clearly.  My brother even advised me that I looked better when I put a bit of lipstick on (my brother knows nothing about make up so for him to notice something like that meant I had to take it seriously).  My ‘natural’ make up routine always included a smear of red lipstick anytime I left the house.  I remembered a work colleague staring at me during Ramadan when I had dared to go lipstick-free.  I dawned on me on how long I had been carrying my insecurities with me. 

My mum recently bought me a copy of Elle and I was flicking through the pages, admiring the shoes and overpriced handbags when I came across a free make up sample for Rimmel foundation.  I eagerly ripped it open and took out my foundation brush, ready to apply a coat to my face so I could look just like Kate Moss. 

Disaster! 

The shade of foundation was at least three shades too light.  I kept applying it hoping maybe if I spread it across my face, the colour would blend in. 

Nope.  I looked like an ashy-faced pale clown. 

I went to the bathroom to wash it off and stood in front of the mirror to take in the full horror of how awful it looked.  I looked terrible but as my initial shock wore off I noticed my features were thrown into contrast against the newly pale skin.  My dull brown eyes looked inky black and mysterious.  My eyebrows brooded like Heathcliff on the moors.  My lips looked… well, they brought no attention to themselves but I remembered my raspberry lip-gloss in my drawer.  It struck me that I could apply my lip-gloss, not as a topcoat to my red lipstick, but on its own and my lips would finally look like the glossy pale lips I dreamed of having all those ears ago.  I applied it satisfaction and the mirror gave a rewarding reflection of glossy lips with a hint of pink.  I rubbed it off and applied my red lipstick.  Now, I saw in the mirror what white women must see everyday.  Beautiful, bright, full red lips that stood out invitingly against pale skin. 

What took me most by surprise was how easily me eyes were adjusting to my new pale skin colour.  It was like witnessing some kind of optical illusion, tricking my eyesight into thinking I looked… okay.  Was it the foundation warming up to my skin?  I could see my familiar rosy cheeks coming through the foundation.  The ashiness melting away a little bit from my ghostly pallor.

But… I thought I had settled into liking myself for who I am?  I wasn’t filled with self-loathing, wishing for paler skin.  I’d grown up.  I’d become better than that.

I had to keep tipping my head back to look at my neck to convince myself how truly absurd the colour contrast was.  I also examined my hairline where there was a gap of true skin colour peeping through like I was a geisha (they wear the white make up in an exaggerated mask-like way with subtle hints of the natural skin colour beneath). 

I want to see if I could darken the colour and make it wearable.  I grabbed my powder concealer, which I’d bought a shade too dark, and applied it over the foundation on one side of my face.  Slowly, my face warmed up to resemble something that looked like me.  One half of my face was white, the other dark. 

My eye was drawn to the lighter side.  Did that mean the light side of my face of beautiful?  Was this conditioning from birth I’ve had to always see light skin tone as beautiful?  Have I really not changed since I was a teenager?  If so, I found this to be both depressing and alarming.  I have no intention to go back to those days of insecurity and self-loathing. 

I scrubbed my face and washed my foundation brush with a religious zeal to make sure it was not contaminated by the Rimmel foundation. 

The make up sample was thrown in the bin.  Its ability to transform my looks was powerful and almost intoxicating.  There was a little voice in my head that wanted to keep it and see myself as the grotesquely pale creation I had seen earlier with perfect glossy pink lips but I had to resist (my bin was full of discarded hair from my hairbrush and pistachio shells so frankly I had no choice in the matter). 

I was back to looking like me.  Flawed, not beautiful, but me.  And I was okay with that. 

***

If you’re in Birmingham, there’s a drama called 'Lite' with educational workshops playing at the MAC on the topic of skin lightening.  More details at link. 

ding dong! it's the Avon lady

You know that feeling when you think that buying stuff will make you happier and the more you consume the happier you’ll be so you end up with more and more stuff to fill that empty, aching void in your life?

Well, here’s my review of my Avon order!

I have enough make-up, it must be said but I just can’t resist buying more.  It’s my Achilles heel (that’s been buffed and scrubbed and lotioned to perfection). 

First things first.

Gel eyeliner. 

What’s that all about?

Seriously, it’s all over beauty blogs but I simply don’t get it.  I eagerly tried out my Supershock Avon gel eyeliner in blackened metal, hoping for an easy glide on liner that I could draw onto my lids.  I was bitterly disappointed.  The colour is a faded grey, as if you’ve been wearing it out all day rather than freshly applied and it doesn’t glide on easily with one stroke.  The major selling point of gel liners has been application.  Well, I’m sorry but if you can’t use liquid eyeliner you’re an idiot. Oh yeah, I went there!  I’m sticking to my liquid liners and pencils, thank you very much.  I think gel liner will go the same way as mineral make-up.  Nothing more than a fad.

Much better was my Colour Trend lipstick.  It’s the budget, teen range and the colour is a pretty, glittery sheen of red.  I prefer matte colours but it cost like £1.75 which is ridiculously cheap and it’s quite sheer so I can wear it everyday.  Also, the bullet is shaped into a heart which is super cute!

The nail polish is a purplish maroon colour and very glittery.  At £2.00 it’s an absolute bargain. 

Last purchase was a rose-smelling cuticle balm.  My Burt’s Bees lemon one is running out and this Avon one is a nice little buy.  It smells nice and rosy. My nails are in a good condition from regular application of cuticle cream – will Avon’s product keep up the maintenance?  I’ll only know after using it for a while. 

I find Avon very hit and miss with regards to product quality but it's a 3 out of 4 hit rate so I'm pleased.

So those were my products.  I feel so much better but nothing can escape the void... 

NOTD

Hey peeps! 

Look at my man hands!

I haven't worn nail polish for about a decade and on a whim, decided to wear some pretty nail polish (L'Oreal Jet set) in a rusty coloured red.  The gold flecks in it give the orangey sheen to the red.  It's kinda like metallic mendhi.  Pretty, huh?  

Muslim gals will know why muslimahs wear nail polish on certain days so I'm enjoying my beautified hands while I can.  This includes lots of hand posing each time I pass a mirror, holding my hand in front of me to admire and laying my hands on every door that I open.  Even typing becomes a joy when I see my lovely hands doing the typing.  Who'd have thought painting your nails could be such a pick-me-up?  

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay, nail polish!

Grease lightnin'

OMG, where do I even start?

Okay, so I haven’t blogged for an entire month.   

WHHHHHHHY?  I hear no one ask. 

Well, because I’ve been super busy on a super sekrit project.  I took an entire month and I didn’t have a brain cell spare to compose even the simplest of posts.  October turned into a complete WRITE OFF blog-wise. I’m back now though and raring to blog again.

It’s November and we are well and truly into autumnal weather.  For me that means berry lipstick, butternut squash soup (delish), woolly tights, hot water bottles and an itchy scalp (Yes, that’s right I’m talking dandruff!).  There was a cold snap and my scalp was itching like a mother****er.  Luckily, it’s calmed down now but it freaked me out to have my head feel so irritated.  I was starting to dream of soothing my scalp by pouring olive oil all over my head which brings me onto...

My product for this month which is Morrisons Moroccan bath and body oil.

Argan oil has been making waves in the beauty community so it’s no surprise to find a supermarket version on the shelves.  If you were being cynical you might say this product was jumping on the Argan oil bandwagon (Cynical? Moi? Noooooo) especially with the prominent Moroccan branding and design.  Morrisons version is formulated with sunflower oil, Argan oil and vitamin E so it’s not pure Argan oil.  

I love applying bath oils because I have dry skin and as well as retaining moisture after a shower, I find using oil helps me to feel less cold.  Isn’t that weird?  I can definitely feel a difference – maybe the oil acts as a barrier for exposed skin against the cold air?

This oil doesn't make any outlandish promises except that massaging your skin with oil will also help to make your skin velvety smooth.  I haven't been using my newly acquired oil long enough to know how good it will be for my skin.  I've found olive oil to be the best product for my skin, however, I think this one will do just fine.  I like my oil to smell nice and retain moisture and it does both.  It actually smells pretty gorgeous!

I’m a big advocate for oils and thick, creamy moisturisers in this autumn weather which has been a little crazy.  

Stay warm and beautiful, peeps! 

Get the (Lancôme) Look

I love the Sunday Times.

Even though it’s owned by the tax dodging octogenarian Rupert Murdoch I can’t help but love The Sunday Times.  It’s part of my Sunday ritual to sit and read the papers while sprawled out on the sofa.  And this past weekend was good ‘un. 

I gratefully received my deluxe sized edition of style magazine (A whopping 14 ½ inches by 11 inches - oh my!) which I think is their version of the September Issue.  It’s crammed with fashion tips, the newest trends, glorious photos, gossipy articles – I even love the glamorous, expensive looking ads – it’s like a sugar rush of high fashion each time you turn the page. 

While leisurely flicking through the mag, I happened upon the most gorgeous photoset in the make up section. 

1. 2.3.

They are utterly gorgeous aren’t they?  My photos don’t capture how wonderful the make up looks but believe me, it’s stunning.

I read through the listed products and my heart sank at how expensive they seemed.  I like my budget cosmetics and favour what Americans call ‘drugstore’ brands (the cosmetics section in Boots and Superdrug basically).  At closer look, I realised that all the products were by Lancôme.  I flicked through the other two pages and all the products listed were by Lancôme.

Huh. 

For my own amusement I totted up the cost of each list of products for each look.  They are as follows:

1. £ 148.50
2. £ 168.00
3. £ 233.50 

Now I understand that not everyone is like me in regards to what I’d pay for in terms of cosmetics.  Style magazine consumers are a well-to-do bunch and expensive brands are of course, going to be featured and I have no problem with that. 

The short paragraph accompanying the pictures says that the person who styled the make up is Aaron de Mey, artistic director of Lancôme.  Okay, well that makes sense. 

But is this feature an advertisement or an article? 

I’m not a journalist and I imagine the lines drawn are a little murky with fashion and beauty magazines (by nature they feature lots of brands and products and probably have dumpster trucks full of freebies landing into their offices, I imagine…) but this seems a little erm, blatant in terms of putting a spotlight on a brand.  I mean, the magazine is already packed with gorgeous ads which the brands will have paid for.  So why did Lancôme get this feature? 

To the magazines’ credit, it also shows upcoming make up trends with a variety of products and brands.  I just wish there was a little transparency.  I mean, at least be upfront about this sort of stuff.  Was a deal involved?  (Mag gets the amazing photos if they agree to feature all the Lancome products). 

Ah well. I hope a make up guru out there ( like my fave Klaire de Lys) does a ‘recreate the look’ tutorial or something for a fraction of the price. 

Also note to the mags and brands; consumers aren't stupid.  We notice when you do shady stuff so please bring it out into the open. 

Use It Up

Unless your introduction to beauty blogs was approximately 5 seconds ago, it’s safe to say, people who click by accident dear readers, that you've heard of ‘project pan’ – a phenomenon that has swept through beauty blogs and youtube make up ‘guru’ vlogs.  In case you don’t know, the basic concept is hold off buying any new make up products until you've finished the ones already in your possession.  Hence the ‘hitting pan’ where you can see the metal casing of your foundation powder/eyeshadow case etc. 

I’m ashamed to say I’m a hoarder of products.  I like to eke out their use very slowly.  Really slowly.  Glacially slow in pace, in fact.  I have make up products that are almost a decade old (that I still use – hello bourjois naturel lipstick in paprika, my favourite lipstick of all time).  It’s not right, is it?  I’m giving this a go because it’s a good way of using up products and being creative. 

First on my list to be used are these products by Burt Bees:

I don’t know the shelf life of Burt Bees products but I bought these products a long time ago and almost forgot about them.  As you can see, I’ve almost used up the Lemon butter cuticle crème – the most delicious smelling product I have in my possession.  By comparison, the lotion and hand salve look brand new.  There’s a part of me that still wants to hold off using them until the winter when my skin becomes dry but I remember the cautionary tale of my Burt Bees almond and milk hand cream.  I used to carry it in my bag and use it whenever I needed a hit of something sweet smelling.  Then, for some reason I took it out my bag and left it on my dresser where it lay forgotten.  I picked it up some months later to find the sweet almond smell had gone off really badly rendering the cream unusable. 

Burt Bees is like Lush in the sense that the ingredients are natural (or at least not overloaded with chemicals I've never heard of) and guess it must have a shelf life of some sort even if it’s not stated on the package.  Actually, the ingredients on the foot lotion are quite interesting to read through.  It has witch hazel, tea tree oil and baking soda amongst other ingredients. 

I’m gonna start using it and will report on it if all goes well.  Burt Bees is a great little company and I’ve been happy with their products so far (except the shampoo bar which didn’t clean my hair) so I expect great things.  

Let me shoehorn in a quick review...

Despite my ‘project pan’ I bought a new lipstick from The Body Shop.  I’d put buying a suitable shade of lipstick on a par with finding a decent pair of jeans that fit.  BLOODY IMPOSSIBLE!  I would have bought a lipstick from Revlon but I could get a major discount with my Body Shop card so I plumped for a sheer lip colour from the delipscious range.  

I’d read through the reviews on the Body Shop site and I would concur with the odd smell of the lipstick.  It’s natural fruit flavour apparently.  I’ve never smelt a fruit like it.  It smells off.  Also, weirdly, when testing the colour on the back of my hand, it looked a lot lighter than the actual shade printed on the sticker.  I bought ‘pomegranate’ colour thinking it was lighter than the sticker shade.  The reality is that when applying it to your lips, the colour matches the sticker not what's on the back of your hand.  It’s a berry colour and it looks very natural on the lips.  I'm quite pleased with it even if it's a tad darker than I wanted.  I suppose it will go well with the autumnal look although looking out my window, it’s far too sunny to make the wardrobe switch to autumn – not that I’m complaining.  This summer has been underwhelming weather-wise.  

Retro Packaging

I want to finish off my post by drawing your attention to another product that’s been sitting on my shelf.  My mum bought me this hand and nail cream.  It seems like a cute piece of retro packaging that was in vogue a couple of years back.  I think it’s cute too.  However, there’s something that just niggles at the back of my mind.  On the front it says ‘Saucy Girl’ probably in reference to the rather well endowed lady sitting pretty.  

On back it says:

Sweet as sugar

And cute as a kitten;

A night with me

Will leave you smitten.

The hand cream does indeed smell sugary but is it possible for a hand cream to be described as cute?  And does anyone spend a night with their hand cream? (Oh God, don’t answer that…).  Maybe I’ve got it wrong.  Maybe this flirty little verse refers to the ‘saucy girl’ so it’s some kind of hand cream as a girl metaphor?  In which case: eeeeeeeeew. 

And yet it sits happily on my shelf (although discreetly placed).  Secretly, I quite like the naughty innuendo.  

Oh, I’m such a bad girl. 

My brain is working at half-speed

As you might have noticed, Fasting in ramadan really takes away one’s appetite to blog. I’m not on my laptop as much. I’ve been listening and reading to the Qur’an on my electronic Qur’an player altho unfortunately the batteries have died. I could pick up an actual book of the Qur’an but I don’t wanna. Turning pages is for suckers! [/lazy]

I’ll have to scrounge around for some batteries.

*

I finished off ‘The Junior Officers’ Club’ which neatly coincided with a repeat showing of ‘Our War’ on BBC3 which I caught by accident while watching TV after I’d eaten my sehri. The programme showed the soldiers’ perspective of the war in Afghanistan. I thought it would be a very self-congratulatory piece (teary eyed piece to camera talking about ‘our brave boys…’) but it showed the human, everyday experience of being a soldier. They acted like the young lads they are with lots of goofing around and pranks interspersing the warfare. I don’t agree with the war but the soldiers seemed to act with integrity while on duty which gives me a little solace. All footage would have been greenlighted by the Ministry of defence first though so I’ll still take it with a pinch of salt.

Muslim readers may wonder why I’m watching TV and reading books during Ramadan. I’m actually watching less TV and doing more worship but I can’t give up the goggle box completely so I just try to be moderate (and realistic) with it.

I was sifting through all the rubbish I’ve accumulated in my drawers and found a calendar from two years ago. 2009 was my annus horribilis and I certainly don’t want any reminders of it but the calendar (made by Islamic Relief) is so beautiful I haven’t the heart to throw it away. All the pictures are from muslim countries and I remember how soothing it was to wake up and see such gorgeous pictures hanging on my door.

I took a few pics of my fave images:

Agra, India

Cairo, Egypt

Istanbul, Turkey

I think maybe I need to let go of things that have hurt me in the past and as ramadan is a time for renewed hope and renewed faith, hopefully I can move forward and cast away reminders from the past.

“And when My servants ask you, [O Muhammad], concerning Me – indeed I am near. I respond to the invocation of the supplicant when he calls upon Me. […]” (Qur’an 2:186)

My fasting is going well. I find it hard but it’s manageable. I’ve fasted every single day and feel like a champion!

My ‘five a day’ quota is taking a major hit though. Do chickpeas count?

I’m taking the desi approach to sehri: Rice and chicken curry (although today I had lasagne – go figure). Iftari is dates, samosas, chickpeas with muree (puffed rice), pakora and cake (I’m gonna be one of those greedy peeps who put on weight during ramadan, aren’t I?).

Even though I can’t eat food during the day, I've discovered the next best thing:

Body Shop products smell so good. The above are papaya body butter (smells fruity and lush), wild cherry scrub and shea body butter. I have the berry lip roll-on too but I don't wear it in case I end up ingesting it. I've never paid full price on a body butter - I've always bought discounted half price ones. The scrub was on offer and it's pretty good. If you can't afford it, the ace blogger Lipstick & Pearls has her own DIY scrub.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm just off to stick my nose in the papaya body butter.

Peace out!